Is it Dementia?
Looking back, I think I probably knew that something was wrong. The signs were there...the memory lapses, the confusion, the angry outbursts. I guess there’s knowing, and then there’s knowing...
For a while, I had been feeling sort of fuzzy in my head. I was having trouble remembering things. Some days I was okay, but other days I would dial a phone number and forget who I was phoning. Or I’d be taking notes at a meeting and would lose track of the discussion.
I thought of many things to blame it on, such as menopause and stress.
Normally I’m a very organized person. I have been working in the same office for the past 22 years, and I’m the one who keeps track of all the details, the “go to” person who knows where to find everything. That’s why my co–workers noticed when I started making mistakes—misplacing files, or forgetting to write appointments on the calendar. A colleague sat me down one day, “Clara, are you okay? You’re always so organized; it’s not like you to be forgetful. Is something going on with you? Is there anything I can do to help?”
Normally I'm a very organized person...
I assured my co–worker that I was fine, and that I just hadn’t been sleeping well lately. In fact, I was starting to get really worried. My aunt had dementia, and I found myself wondering if it ran in families. I wondered if I might lose my job if my boss saw that I was having trouble doing my work. Since I live alone, who would look after me if I became very ill? It was all very frightening. Part of me felt that as long as I didn’t admit that anything was happening, the problem would go away.
Then, about a month ago, I forgot my best friend’s name! It just disappeared into a black hole in my brain where I couldn’t get at it. That was a sign I couldn’t ignore.
My co-worker had never given up on me, and now she encouraged me to phone my doctor and talk to her about what has been happening. She kept checking to see if I had made the call, so I finally picked up the phone. After listening to my story, my doctor said that there could be a number of possible explanations. But she agreed that what I’ve been noticing might be early signs of dementia, and the sooner that I find out, the more chance I’ll have to do something pro–active about it. I made an appointment for tests this week, and in the meantime I’m writing down all the symptoms that I and others have noticed.
My co-worker had never given up on me, and now she encouraged me to phone my doctor and talk to her about what has been happening.
There, I’ve taken the first step. What surprises me is the huge sense of relief I feel, even though I don’t yet know what the tests will show. There has been a big black cloud hanging over me, always in the back of my mind. A secret I couldn’t reveal to anyone. Now it feels good to be finally dealing with this situation, taking control, and reaching out for help. I’m going to find out what’s wrong, and take it from there.
I think fear of the unknown is worse than anything else.
Continue the Journey: Living with Dementia