Remaining at Home
There are difficult, challenging days with my mother–in–law that leave us physically and emotionally drained.
But there are also magical times, moments of joy and shared love, and those I wouldn’t miss for the world.
I know that not everyone is able to make the decision that we made, nor would they want to. My wife and I certainly chewed over the options and grappled with our decision to care for my mother–in–law at home. Could we properly look after an elderly woman with advanced dementia?
We looked into the support that was available to us. We considered whether our own physical and emotional health was up to the challenge. Were we making this decision for the right reasons, not just out of a sense of guilt or obligation? We consulted with our grown children.
In the end, we decided that, yes, we really wanted to keep Mary’s mother at home with us. We hope she’ll be here until the end of her life.
We sponsored Frances to immigrate to Canada twelve years ago, and she has lived with us ever since. Seven years ago we learned she had dementia. By now it is well advanced, and we certainly thought about residential care options. But both Mary and I come from close families, and she’s always has a special bond with her mother. We’re retired and have the time, the resources, and the ability to care for her at home. We feel honoured that we can do this for Frances—it’s a way of giving back. It’s our wish that she will live out her life surrounded by family, and with as much dignity and respect as is possible.
Don’t get me wrong—it’s a struggle. Frances needs feeding and bathing, and she’s often up at night. She’s had periods where she has been abusive and angry, and she has accused us of all sorts of things. Although we know this is part of the disease, it is still not easy to deal with. Having Frances with us constantly puts strain on our marriage and affects our social life. We have to build in regular “time outs” to give ourselves a break. I escape to the golf course. We would never have considered becoming her primary caregivers if we didn’t know that we would have lots of back–up. Working together with our case manager, we have put into place a care team and a network of supporters.
We were able to tap into some funding programs to modify our house to make it suitable and safe for Frances. We now have an outdoors garden area that’s secure so she can go outside but she can’t wander away. Inside we’ve installed lots of safety items such as covers on the stove knobs so she can’t turn them on, monitors throughout the house, and equipment to make day–to–day chores easier for a frail, elderly woman.
We have regular home support, as well as respite care. We also pay someone to come in twice a week to do art with Frances, and our house is decorated with colourful paintings. Mary’s grown daughters also come and stay over from time to time to allow us to get away. As Frances’s condition progresses, we will need further nursing assistance. Eventually we may seek out palliative and hospice care. We’re fortunate that it’s available to us here—I know that people in rural areas don’t have as much access to these services.
We have created a circle of care and love around Frances, and the rhythm of our days revolves around her needs. We enjoy her pleasure over little things—her rock collection, the antics of the cat, afternoon tea, and reconnecting with old Broadway musicals that remind her of her youth. She has her favourite walks, and she loves nature programs on TV.
We had a family gathering here last weekend to celebrate Frances’s 88 th birthday, and she was showered with attention. She was delighted with the cake and the candles, and the loudest voice was hers, singing, “Happy Birthday to Me!”
Will she still be singing next year?
Continue the Journey: Moving to Residential Care